I’ve been a parent for almost 18 years now and from the absolute get-go, the whole idea of combining a job and motherhood has made my head hurt.
It’s not that I do not like working. I actually do really enjoy a lot about working — most especially the simple act of doing Great Work. The issue for me is that these two things — motherhood and work — compete against each other. They are arch enemies, standing at opposite ends of town, waiting to duel.
And I am standing right there between them, in the line of fire. Sometimes I can dodge the bullets…like the times when school gets out early, after-s
chool care is CLOSED and a friend offers to pick up the kids for me. (Terese, you are an angel!)
Other times, I get hit.
Like the morning, when my husband had Very Important Visitors from Corporate Headquarters in town (from Europe no less) to meet first thing in the morning, I had a huge marketing proposal to get out first thing in the morning, and my 5 year old proudly announced, “Hey Mommy! My pee is RED!”
Red.
As in Panic Button Red.
Ka-pow!
The first thing we did was make sure our son was ok, and he was, aside from the very scary-looking pee. Then my husband and I looked at each other to figure out who wasn’t going to work that day. I knew from the look on my husband’s face that it would be me — I was ok with this because of course, I want to take care of my child. But it’s that pull I felt at that moment — of NEEDING to be in two places at once, of knowing that someone, in this case a whole team of someones, was going to have to scramble in my absense — that makes combining motherhood and working suck sometimes.
So why does there have to be such a division between work and motherhood?
Why can’t the two things be combined in new, creative ways?
Why can’t those dueling enemies meet in the middle, shake hands and come up with something that doesn’t make my head hurt?
It’s certainly what I’m working towards, that’s for sure.
p.s. the boy turned out to have a bruised kidney and is all better now. But yes, it was one heck of a day!
Ouch!!! How ever did he get a bruised kidney? I think when kids are sick is when the pull is the worst. Just plain sucks that it happened at the moment when it would cause the most frustration. Been there. Not sure if there is a cure for the pull though – I think it’s something that will always be there, either with being a working mom or juggling all the other activities involved with being a stay-at-home.
as a single parent its really hard for me when the kids are sick. My daughter has kidney problems and I missed too much work and even my own dr’s appointments. I know have someone come help from 830-11 am each day which has saved my behind on many a occasions ….
I absolutely know how this feels. I feel like my husband I need to trade off being serious about work. For a long time, he was in jobs where missing time wasn’t a big deal, but then he found a job he really loves (YIPPEE!), but suddenly when one of the kids are sick it’s a much bigger issue. In trying to resolve this, I dropped down my hours but was told upfront that this would have negative effects on how I was perceived at work and it has absolutely been true. My last review said “Kim will continue to have issues being an employee and a mom at the same time.” They say they are fully supportive of taking care of family, but it doesn’t feel like it.
Thank you for such a honest post. It can be such a pull, can’t it? It’s the piece about “having it all” that doesn’t feel so great (and, honestly, doesn’t look so pretty). Finding or creating true “family-friendly” work continues to be challenging for many women (and men). And even at the best of places–the ones that really walk the talk about providing their employees with a family-friendly experience–it still doesn’t take away the HEART PULL that will probably always be there as a woman who loves her career and her kids. Wish there was a magic bullet to make the confliction go away, but still have yet to find it. We just have to continue to do the best we can; to create the structures we can to support our dual priorities; and to make choices the feel the best for us and bring us the greatest inner peace.
@Kimberly: As a former HR person and manager, I can’t even believe that someone would actually right that on a review. It’s bad enough to think it and believe it about someone, but to actually put it on paper? Shows we still have a long way to go…
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